Scoffing at all that's holy since 2004 HYPOCRISY Have a Heart: A Lesson in Hypocrisy I've always maintained that Christians are hypocritical to perfection, but what's most entertaining are all the rationalizations they use to justify it.  What follows is a true story that happened to yours truly back in late December of 1993.  Let it serve as a textbook example to illustrate my point.  Only the names have been changed to protect the hypocritical. After two and a half years of remission, my oncologist discovered a slow-growing tumor (about the size of a lemon) growing between my lungs, pushing up against my heart.  There was no way of knowing it without a biopsy, but all indications pointed toward malignancy. An old buddy of mine's mother and her long-time gentleman friend (who coincidently had his own profound ongoing medical problems) were militantly devout Christians.  I was close with their extended family and friends, and anything significant going on in my life was known to them.  Likewise, I was clued-in to what was going on in their lives.  I was a regular fixture at all of their family events and they thought of me as family. My friend and his wife (we'll call them Jerry and Sue) knew I that was not a believer but kept it under their hats.  The rest of their family was pretty devout and thought that I was a practicing Jew.  I was godfather (long story, don't ask...) to one of their daughters, so mum was the word. Shortly after receiving the news that there was a tumor present in my chest, requiring a median sternotomy (the old "chest cracker") to fix, I first told my family, followed by friends and select co-workers.  The news spread quickly and eventually found its way to Jerry's mother and her Jesus-loving gentleman friend, who we'll call Sheila and Tim, respectively.  The surgery was scheduled about three weeks out after the first of the year.  Two weeks prior was Christmas, and Sue's aunt and uncle held a yearly Christmas Eve gathering in their home.  I was always invited to this event for which 100 or so people would show up.  Honestly, I looked forward to it each and every December.  Hey, the people knew how to throw a hell of a party, and because of her uncle's Hollywood connections several well-known character actors would always attend. Everyone knew about my relapse.  Each one in turn approached me delicately and with tact as most people would.  I think your average Joe would want you to know that they were aware of what was going on, offer their assistance in anyway possible, and not make a big production out of it.  And that's what everyone did -- except Tim.  I should have seen it coming.  I didn't. Jerry, Sue, Tim, and Sheila arrived at the house together.  Jerry spotted me immediately and called my name from across the crowded living room and caught my eye.  Tim, now aware of my presence, walked quickly (he practically ran) towards me, pushing people aside as if on his way to save a dying man.  Without so much as a "hello" or handshake, Tim placed one open palm on my stomach (about 10 inches below the tumor...oops!), wrapped his free arm around my back, pulled me close, and started praying over me.  I wish I could recall his exact words, but I was absolutely livid and my mind started to race with thoughts of the profound physical assault that I wanted to commit.  I looked up to see Jerry and Sue (now standing about 10 feet away) giving me this look as if to say, "PLEASE, ANDY, BITE YOUR FUCKING LIP!" I tried to remind myself that this was a concerned quasi-family member who feared for my life, and he hadn't a clue that I rejected his god (as well as all others).  I swear on my mother's life, had it been anyone else I would have beat this son of a bitch within an inch of his life.  But I choked back my emotions and let the delusional fellow finish his plea to Jesus to cure my cancer and save my life so that I may see the light and honor his holy name.  So, in the spirit of the holiday season, and as a favor to my friend Jerry, I let it slide and allowed a peaceful feeling to come over me as he finished his unreasonably long prayer.  Admittedly, it was probably only a minute, but it felt like an hour.  Okay, so I felt a little bit better about it...until.... As Tim broke his embrace, this little shit patted me on the back and said, "Now you go back to your doctors at UCLA and tell them you don't need their help anymore.  You tell them that the power of JESUS cured you!" Okay, I was furious again.  Steam must have been coming out of my ears because Jerry, who obviously heard Tim's final comment, grabbed my arm and quickly pulled me away.  He cheerfully said, "Hey, Andy!  I have to tell you about that thing I saw the other day..." or some other equally vague verbal subterfuge.  We retreated to the kitchen where he apologized and asked me, for the sake of his mother, to let it slide.  I suppose I rationalized it all away.  Why the hell not?  I had bigger fish to fry at the time anyway.  So I complied with my friend's request and pretended that the highly offensive religious assault never took place. Later that evening we all departed for home with no intention of speaking about the event again, but Tim and Sheila hit the road basking in the glory of a miraculous healing by the grace of Jesus.  Fine.  At their age (around 65, I guess) one more delusion wasn't going to dull their senses any more than they already were. But wait folks.  The story's about to get MUCH better. About a week later I checked into the hospital at UCLA and underwent the median sternotomy that would reveal the truth.  Needless to say, when they cracked me open the tumor was still there.  (Sorry, guys, but I'm afraid I really did need my doctors after all.  That's Strike 1 against Dr. Jesus, buddy boy!)  But was the tumor benign?  If so, was it always benign, or was it once malignant but Jesus healed me?  Or was the tumor malignant and Tim's prayers had just fallen upon deaf ears? I'm sure I don't have to tell you that the tumor, in fact, was malignant.  (This story would suck otherwise, no?) I suppose it should come as no surprise that neither Tim nor Sheila ever came to see me in the hospital.  I can assure you that these two muttonheads eagerly awaited the results so that they could give credit to Jesus for my miraculous healing.  But I made sure that Jerry let them both know that the tumor was malignant.  I would have loved to tell them myself, but the little cowards refused to show their faces.  That's Strike 2, kids.  Must be god's will, I suppose. Anyway, I recuperated and healed quickly and went back to my old routine just as fast.  Just for the record, unlike my first and third bouts with the disease, my doctors opted not to treat me with chemotherapy or radiation.  The entire tumor (and the surrounding tissue) came out cleanly, so there was nothing nasty left behind to treat. In the months that followed the surgery, from time to time when Tim and/or Sheila were around, I'd manage to direct the topic of conversation to my surgery.  Look, I'm an evil bastard.  I admit it.  It brought me joy to remind them that the tumor was malignant and that the doctors saved my life.  They were smart enough to keep their mouths shut, and that put a smile on my face. But wait again folks.  The story's about to get even better. Sometime later that summer I received some jaw-dropping news.  It came to pass that Tim's heart was failing -- and failing badly.  (He had battled heart disease for many years prior to this incident.)  Well, praise irony because Tim needed a heart transplant!  Yes, it was true.  This godless bastard was absolutely ecstatic -- not because Tim was ill and might very likely die, but rather because there was before me a chance to bask in the irony of tables turned on a hypocritical Christian.  The planets must have been in perfect alignment or something because a chance like this comes along but once in an atheist's lifetime.  Now the real test was to commence.  What was poor old Timmy going to do?  Was he going to follow his own advice and rely on the laying of hands for a cure?  Was he going to tell his doctor that his services were no longer needed?  Yeah, uh huh.  Don't hold your breath. Well, as you could have guessed, this miserable son of a bitch decided to secure the services of a team of UCLA doctors and get his name on the heart donor recipient list.  Believe me, Jesus wasn't even in his forethought when he got the news because his name was on that list faster than a televangelist steals collection plate cash to pay his mortgage and support his coke and hooker addiction.  I know for a fact, there was no laying of the hands for Tim.  So much for faith. And I really didn't care that this was a man in danger of losing his life.  I say this unabashedly and unapologetically.  (I was in his shoes twice before -- with a third round to come less than three years later.  He couldn't compare bedpans with me on his worst day.)  Understand that I had no intention of being mean to him (I wasn't), but there was no way in hell that I wasn't going to feed him the same line he fed me when I was in danger of losing my life. Without recounting the exchange (the details of which were delightful to me but unimportant to the story), being hypocritical to perfection, Tim explained that "this is different" and that Jesus was going to work through his doctors to save his life and provide a heart when the time was right.  What I really wanted to tell this miserable hypocritical little troll was, "GO FUCK YOURSELF, ASSHOLE!" That's Strike 3, Tim.  Jesus is out! In the end, Tim got his new heart and anti-rejection drugs kept him alive and kicking as if that new heart was his own since birth.  While I'd be a liar if I told you that I wouldn't have chuckled out loud had the transplant failed, know that I'm truly happy it didn't.  Jerry was my friend and I wouldn't want to see his family suffer.  However, I'll happily confess being more than slightly irked by the sad byproduct of his good fortune: he and Sheila were able to wrap themselves even tighter in their delusion by giving all the thanks and praise to Jesus for saving his life. Yes, Timmy.  Delusion is bliss, ain't it? Double-Standard Court in Session: Judge Hypocrite Presiding Disclaimer: This rant is not about whether Christians are allowed to judge others.  Some Christians say yes, some say no, but that's another debate for another day.  (You can start preparing now though.  Check out the links at the end of this piece to behold some very impressive chapter-and-verse tap dancing, self-deception, and first-class hypocrisy.)  No, what I want to discuss now are those Christians who believe that only god may judge his creations. Some say, Only God can judge me. What a steaming, festering, intellectually dishonest lode of flaming horse shit. So I was waiting in line at a local sandwich shop one afternoon, and there was a young guy standing in front of me sporting a tattoo that read, "Only God Can Judge Me." Please forgive the poor quality of the picture (left) as all I had with me at the time was my cell phone camera.  I asked if I could take a picture to show a few of my friends who might find it interesting. I saw no need to reveal my true motive.  (After all, I'm a god-hating lying minion of Satan, right?)  He was a nice kid, very gracious, and quite flattered that someone admired his ink, so I fed his delusion and thanked him for the photo. I swear I've seen this phrase tattooed so many times that I've lost count.  In fact, I saw the same stain on a guy's arm at the gym just a few days prior to this one.  Anyway, I've been meaning to pen this rant for at least a couple of years now, so I took these two sighting as a sign from god to finally sit my ass down and scratch out a few thoughts on the matter. Christians love to cherry pick the precepts of their religion as if it were some kind of cafeteria-style belief system.  They decide which rules and maxims are valid [read: convenient] and decide (on a case by case basis) when they apply and when they don't.  They invent their own footnotes to bible mandates and manufacture the most mind-numbingly stupid and disingenuous rationalizations to maintain their faith and their intellect when bible lore and common sense collide. For example, let's look at the bedrock mandate of our god-given behavioral code: THOU SHALL NOT KILL.  (That's Commandment 6, Exodus 20-13 in case you flunked Sunday school.)  Four short, simple words.  It's crystal clear, concise, absolute, and final. Thou shall not kill.  Period.  No footnotes.  No qualifications.  No exceptions.  No provisos.  No disclaimers.  No equivocations.  Just don't kill, okie dokie? Without going through the litany of things we kill (including but not limited to people, animals, insects, plants, viruses, bacteria, diseases, hopes and dreams), it is abundantly clear that people "kill" every single day.  And sometimes they're killing doctors who perform abortions and perverts who rape and murder innocent little kids. Given all this room for ambiguity and error, don't you think our perfect creator could have been a little clearer when he laid down the law?  This would have been especially helpful in light of all those other bible stories and instructions (e.g. what we may or may not eat) that seem to conflict with the crystal clear rule that commands us to not kill.  I mean, would it have been that big a deal to scratch a few disclaimers into that stone?  Maybe "Thou shall not kill unless..." would have made a bit more sense. But putting aside all the semantics and wordplay, many Christians seem to think Commandment 6 applies to babies in the womb, but should that baby be born then it's okay to send them off to war to kill brown people who threaten our way of life in this great Christian nation.  And if one of those children should meet their maker because some sub-human scumbag couldn't control his sick impulses, they think it's just fine and dandy (perhaps even righteous and fun!) to strap that sick twist into a chair and cook his ass real good. Okay, fine.  The murder thing ain't that big a deal because (fortunately) the majority doesn't run around killing people.  And I'm okay with their generally collective agreement to ignore good ol' #6 and rid society of Ted Bundy, Richard Ramirez (soon to be executed), Gary Gilmore, Jeffrey Dahmer, Timothy McVeigh, the Rosenberg's, and all the others who couldn't play nicely with the rest of us. I'll give Christians a hall pass on the rest as perhaps god wanted us to eat all (or at least most) of his lovely tasty creatures.  And those that we don't chow down on he most certainly wanted us to murder so that we may wear their skin, or maybe just for the sport of it.  Evil bastard chinchillas and mink!  There's not even enough meat on their bones for a late night snack.  And sparing the life of vegetation was just an obvious oversight on god's part.  I don't trust asparagus anyway.  Makes my pee stink.  And since I have a strong vested interest in maintaining my current health state I'll forget about the cruelty we impose upon cancer, viruses, bacteria, and the like. But enough of that.  Let's get back to all that judging. The morons who continually spew that "only god can judge me" tripe constitute the WORST offenders of Christian hypocrisy.  Let's take a closer look, shall we? Here's what judge (as a verb) means according to Merriam-Webster Online: to form an opinion about through careful weighing of evidence and testing of premises to sit in judgment on to determine or pronounce after inquiry and deliberation to form an estimate or evaluation of (specifically, to form a negative opinion about) to hold as an opinion Intellectual honesty time.  When someone says "Who are you to judge me?" (or similar phrasing) they're referring to definition 4.  The implication is that you've formed a negative opinion of them based on your own personal biases.  Any Christian who spews such bunk is a first-class hypocrite.  Any other argument is a bullshit excuse.  We make "informed decisions" about investments, career opportunities, purchases, and the people we choose to interact with.  Character judgments [long pause to make my point] are based purely on emotion and bias. Everyone judges, and we do so every single god damn day.  And I'm not even talking about innocuous judging, like choosing decaf over regular coffee.  No, I'm talking about impactful life altering decisions that affect us and others directly and indirectly. POOF!  You're now a Human Resources manager and you're charged with hiring a [fill-in-the-blank customer-facing position of extreme importance, trust and confidence].  In the door walks candidate Joe, and he's reeking of alcohol.  He hasn't shaved in two weeks, bathed in days, he's dressed in shorts and a blood-stained torn t-shirt.  He can't form a coherent sentence but swears and spews racial epithets every 10 seconds.  You just checked his credentials.  Turns out he's an incompetent boob and his own work and character references have nothing positive to say about him.  He was fired from his last three jobs for theft of corporate assets, poor performance, insubordination, and repeated accusations of sexual harassment.  He's also a convicted child molester and rapist. Now your ass is on the line.  Will you hire him and why (or why not)? STOP!  Ssshhh,  Bubbeleh.  Don't say a word.  You've judged him on so many levels that your head is spinning.  Judge not lest you be judged!  And don't even think about dropping your "That's not the same!" feces in my presence.  It is the same.  And just like commandment 6, there are no footnote exceptions or qualifications to judging. Yeah, yeah, yeah.  I know all those apparent [making huge quote fingers] "exceptions" you'd love to quote, but sorry, those are called rationalizations (if not outright biblical contradictions).  God wants you to be aware of false prophets so that's permission to judge?  No.  That's permission to make an informed decision.  This catch-all rationalization provides a lovely excuse for what you just did to job candidate Joe, but that's all it is: a disingenuous bullshit intellect-saving rationalization. If you have a morsel of intellectual honesty you'll confess your condemnation of Joe.  (FYI, I would have done the same.) Either you can judge, or you can't.  End of discussion.  And quite frankly, I couldn't give an itty bitty rat's tushy which stance you take.  I'm just disgusted by those who want to have it both ways.  (Just a little consistency, folks.  That's all I ask.) If you're going to tender an answer to my question it better sound a little like, "No, I wouldn't hire that cretin because I've judged him to be incompetent, untrustworthy, morally-impaired, incorrigible and physically repulsive."  Anything else would constitute a big, fat, commandment-breaking lie. And I can't help but wonder if you'd be swayed to change your summation of the disgusting fellow and hire him if he played the "only god can judge me" card.  The answer of course is no.  You know it, I know it. Okay, so the guy was physically repulsive, had a felony rap sheet, stole a few laptops from work, spewed hateful comments, and grabbed the hot receptionist's ass a few times.  Awful yes, end of the world no.  But we do judge people who commit profoundly hideous, morally reprehensible acts.  And we judge them without giving it a second thought. One day several years ago I posted a comment on a public forum where I passed moral judgment on some garden variety low-life street vermin who committed one act or another of questionable morality.  It wasn't an act of murder or cruelty, but it was something worthy of shame.  (Sorry, it was too long ago to remember the specifics.) Then some Christian jackass responded to me.  He wrote, "Andy, Andy, Andy.  You must be the most moral person in the world to hold this man's life in your hands and judge him the way you have." [Heads up for context: A few weeks prior, some other guy let loose with a gun in a community center and shot five children dead.] My response to him was, "The man who just killed those five kids at the community center is sub-human slime.  I judge him as not fit to live in our society.  Tell me, if he shot YOUR child would you still hold the same position and utter those same words?" He sent me a private email that read, "If he even looked at my child in a questionable way I'd send him home with his teeth in a fucking bag." I judge murders, rapists, pedophiles, spouse, child, and animal abusers, those who scam the elderly out of their life savings, and religious fanatics who fly planes into buildings.  I judge them to be very bad people.  And you're an awful person if you don't think likewise.  Don't agree with me?  Fine.  I'm right, you're wrong.  Now go home and beat the crap out of your kids.  People who think like you won't pass judgment.  Maybe you can all become good friends. It's time to embrace reality, people.  You make moral judgements every single day.  But here's the good news.  I agree with you.  I really do.  We're both on the same page.  We judge, we should judge, and we'd be worse off if we didn't.  Only difference is, I don't pretend not to.  And I don't spew that profoundly hypocritical and patently dishonest "who am I to judge" horse crap. Judging is good, whether it be on moral grounds or founded in something of lesser significance or importance.  And we'd be in deep shit if we didn't. Finally, for those incurable duplicitous judgers looking for inane rationalizations to justify their hypocrisy, I suggest the following websites (below).  It will help you sleep better tonight. www.withchrist.org/judge.htm  Gold Medal Award Winner! www.jesuscult.org/judge.htm www.bibleteacher.org/Judging.htm religion.articlesarchive.net/should-christiansjudge.html userwww.service.emory.edu/~cmadd01/shouldju.html If you're a Christian, don't bother sending me email with your lame excuses to rationalize your hypocrisy or difuse my charge.  I'm not interested in what you are willing to admit to me.  My only interest lies in what you are willing to admit to yourself.  And we both know what that is. The Hypocrite's Mantra: Once Saved, Always Saved Sit back and enjoy a few disgusting displays of textbook Christian hypocrisy.  Watch how these Do-As-I-Say'ers play the Get Out of Jail Free Card when it suits their needs. Click here to read a Christian Prayers Forum exchange and watch how Tamara's buddy's in Christ reminder her that it's okay for her to be a WANTON LIBIDINOUS WHORE.  You see, she's been saved, so all that whoring is nothing to lose any sleep over (...not that she was getting much sleep to begin with).  Love the sinner and hate the sin, they remind her.  Of course, we all know that I'd be DAMNED TO HELL FOR ETERNITY for the same transgression because Jesus isn't my pal.  (Click here to read the exchange in PDF format in case the posting was deleted.) This next exchange was taken from a 4hurtingchristians.com chat room.  (The name says it all, doesn't it.  Can't you just smell the pending hypocrisy and mind-numbingly stupid rationalizations coming down the pike?)  Anyway, in this particular dialog you'll find that the sinner in question is a CALCULATING, COLD-BLOODED MURDERER!  Of course we all know that she'll be getting away with her crime because her good buddy Christ paid the price for her. Posted:  May 19, 2005 - 2:31 AM Subject: forgive i feel really guilty for having abortion father god forgive me please pray for my soul in jesus name Posted:  May 19, 2005 - 11:22 AM :pray Posted:  May 19, 2005 - 2:43 PM when we confess our sins he is faithful and just, and will forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrightousness. my prayer for you: Lord Jesus, Heavenly father thankyou for taking lees sins for her. Thankyou Lord that you are bigger and more powerful than any sin we can commit and thankyou that nothing can separate us from the love of God, ever. Lord thankyou that lee is your child, that she is priceless, precious and beautiful in your eyes. Thankyou Lord that you have given Lee a heart that shines with your love and i thankyou Lord that as she hurts and grieves you are there. I pray that lee feels your amazing grace and love raining down on her today. I pray in Jesus name amen. Posted:  May 19, 2005 - 5:07 PM :cry: thank you dove for not judging me or thinking that i am not worthy may god bless you and help you in jesus name Posted:  May 19, 2005 - 5:09 PM :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :pray :pray :pray :pray Posted:  May 19, 2005 - 6:47 PM I will lift you up in prayer as well Lee. :pray Father, Oh God, would You just please bless Lee and forgive all she has done wrong, Lord, for You know that we are not perfect Lord and that we all sin. Lord just assure her in her walk with You Lord that she will be comforted by You in all that she does Lord. I'm sure she's a great person. Lord I thank You that she had the courage to step forward and realize she had done wrong Lord and that she's asking for Your help as well as ours Lord. I just give this situation to You Lord, for thats all we can do. In Your name, Amen. :pray  You did the right thing Lee, confessing that you had done wrong. May the Lord be with you in all that you do. All my love, Michelle Posted:  May 19, 2005 - 8:43 PM Here goes, (Oh no, go put the kettle on) HEY, (laughs). Try and keep it short, be a miracle I know, :lol: First and I might be wrong, but going by a testimony once, I would strongly suggest that the unborn baby is with God anyway. I don't say this to make light of the situation, but in saying that, come here, :hug Cry, cry, cry, but don't look at me, makes me cry, :lol: Seriously not that I wasn't being. Once again, I see no sin in you, no worse than anyone else. Look what Moses did, we forget that Saul, ST Paul delighted, well, maybe not delighted, but willingly went around killing Christians. Yet look what He went on to right. What matters is what is in your heart, what matters is where you are when Jesus returns. This is a tricky one, the once saved always saved. I as usual go to the Bible, like any issue, if we were not in fear of falling away, why does Paul bother to write those letters. Now one answer could be that if they fell away they would then lead others to in future. Well we see this today, but no I won't go into that, cults, denominations, etc, living my rituals. I tell you the truth, God will love and accept you far more and you'll enter heaven well ahead of anyone that claims to be doing alright. What is in your heart that counts, if you are born again, truly repented, accept Jesus, no worries. Because if we condemn you, we condemn ourselves. when I do what I do, I'm as guilty as you, or as innocent as you. Actually nothing we can do to be lost, (wow, LEE contradiction, err on the side of caution, take that back, shut your mouth, NOW.) IF, wait for it, if we repent. Does that give us a licence, no, because if we are genuine, we do what, strive to get close to God, what happens when we do this, receive and use His Holy Spirit more. Then what happens, the Spirit changes our lives, shapes our lives. As Joyce Meyer right said, "I don't wanna rob the gas station, I don't wanna do any of those things, because Christ lives in me." "Sometimes I would like to smack somebody though (laughter) but the Bible doesn't say thou shall not smack." "You gonna get angry once in awhile, just get it taken care of real quick." Lee, my namesake, we all do things, every day while driving I look at women, that's it, committed adultery, that easy. Yet I worry more when that later can lead to my falling in my usual autosexuality. WHY is it I hold the doing worse than the thinking when in Matthew 5:27 Jesus said it is as bad, worse. Arr, yes but that I believe is a message for those not saved. Those children of Israel, gentiles that want to live according to the law, buy their way into heaven. Satan's biggest con today in the Western world, helped by TV, is that we are good, got to be doing enough good to get to heaven. Jesus makes it clear, I am the way the truth and the life no one comes to the Father accept by me. No you are no worse than the smoker, slowing distroying their lungs, me eating wrong foods, having evil dirty thoughts, playing with myself, so it goes on, gettting defensive, snapping back in that sensitiveness, which one would you like to throw the stone at me for. so finally, finally, the difference, we repent. WHY ARE YOU HERE, exactly, I boldly, God forgive if wrong, but I doubt it, declare that God has not only forgiven your Sin, but long forgotten it. Difference between us and the world, is you came, you are crying tears, hurting, (I'm holding you) :hug WHAT about the many that have had more than one abortion and to them it's just business, getting on with life, same as those that have one night stand. Then catch something like HIV and go mad and get angry at God. HOW can there be a God, let's me catch this. Well we reap what we sow. Oh I'm off, be here all night, sorry. But just take comfort, okay. I'm comfort myself, when I question what I've said, have doubts with this, if I'm wrong, in what i've said to you, Jesus is a lier and we are all going to hell. Think, if any other religion is right, we all go to hell, that's one comfort, that makes me have great faith in Jesus, and the more I do, read, hear, the more that FAITH grows, AMEN. Copyright © 2004 The Godless Bastard. All Rights Reserved.